To connect with others, we can't hide large parts of ourselves. We have to be willing to reveal, to some extent, what we think, do, feel and relate to in order to give our conversation partner something to work with.

While this can be hard for those of us who are introverted, socially anxious or are perfectionists, research has found that sharing of our lives in a gradual and reciprocal manner is the very foundation of a strong friendship. 

Luckily, there's one easy trick that the most trustworthy, relatable and likable people use. It involves tapping into conversational "doorknobs."

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How to spot conversational doorknobs

Coined by social psychologist Adam Mastroianni, a conversational doorknob can be anything that piques your interest, reminds you of something else, elicits a question, or is "No way! Me, too!" relatable. You get the idea.

Listen, grasp onto whatever doorknob gets your attention and enter the door it opens. Here's an example:

You to your colleague: "Good morning! How was your weekend?" 
Your colleague: "Great. My partner and I did some work on my dad's place." 

You now have a bunch of everyday conversational doorknobs at your disposal. Maybe you heard "partner," "work," "dad" or "place." Whatever part of that sentence your brain grabbed onto, you can toss it back with a related response:

• "Nice. Are you the DIYer, or is your partner?"
• "That's cool. What did you work on?"
• "Oh, nice. I'm thinking of doing some remodeling on my place, but knowing where to start is always a challenge."
• "That's excellent. Do you see your dad often?" 
• "My dad's place could use some work. He's lived there for 40 years, so you can imagine how full the basement is."
• "Oh, cool. Does your dad live locally, or did you have to drive a long way?"
• "That's awesome that you do it yourself. I put caulk around my tub several rental apartments ago, but that's the end of my skills." 

Whatever you toss back, offer up a few doorknobs of your own — what you think, do, feel, remember or relate to. Remember, we're going for personalistic. Telling your conversation partner about yourself sharpens their picture of you with ever-finer pixelation, which makes you more relatable to them.

Here's how you might offer a doorknob when you're speaking:

Your colleague: "How was your weekend?" 
You: "It was great. I…"

• "…took the kids to their volleyball tournament. We were there for, I am not kidding, 12 hours."
• "…made my annual pumpkin bread." 
• "…finished this Steve Martin memoir I've been reading. It was so good."
• "…accidentally played Baldur's Gate 3 until 4:00 a.m. in the morning." 
• "…went to the farmers market on Sunday and got some funky blue potatoes."
• "…saw a parade of tuba players wearing tutus march by as I got my morning coffee on Saturday." 

No matter what you picked, you just gave them something to work with. Then, listen for whatever they offer and keep going. It's like tossing a ball back and forth. 

Don't put so much pressure on yourself

Will your conversation partner always respond with a conversational doorknob? Maybe not. You might just get an "oh" or "cool." But that's okay. Let it drop or try again later.

None of these doorknobs have to be fancy, impressive or extraordinary. Decrease the pressure by setting the bar way lower.

Aiming for out-of-this-world conversations — when we hold ourselves to the standard of appearing impressive or extraordinary or super smart — "can make the people who have them strangers to everyone else on earth," according to psychologist Gus Cooney.

Especially for perfectionists, when we're used to aiming high, lowering the bar might feel wrong, but it allows more friends and potential friends to clear the bar and join in. 

Ellen Hendriksen is a clinical psychologist at Boston University's Center for Anxiety and Related Disorders. She is the author of "How to Be Enough" and "How to Be Yourself." Her work has been featured in The New York Times, The Washington Post, BBC News, New York Magazine, The Guardian, Harvard Business Review, Scientific American and Psychology Today. She earned her PhD at UCLA and completed her training at Harvard Medical School. She lives in the Boston area with her family.

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This is an adapted excerpt from the book "How to Be Enough: Self-Acceptance for Self-Critics and Perfectionists" by Ellen Hendriksen. Copyright © 2025 by Ellen Hendriksen. Published with the permission of St. Martin's Essentials, an imprint of the St. Martin's Publishing Group.