How to focus on connecting and avoid awkward conversations at Thanksgiving

While Thanksgiving can be a great time to gather with family and friends, it can also cause tension or opportunities for debate at the dinner table.

Dr. Laura Saunders, a Connecticut-based psychologist at Hartford Healthcare’s Institute of Living, said if you want to avoid certain topics on Turkey Day, come up with a plan ahead of time on how you plan to redirect the conversation.

“It's having phrases to help yourself exit. 'I'm not comfortable talking about this right now. I'd like to find out more about how you're doing at work,' you know, to have some phrases that would be a way for you to set a boundary and exit the situation as opposed to engaging in a debate because no one's going to change their mind at the Thanksgiving table,” said Dr. Saunders.

You can also look to the host to intervene.

If you have a tough relationship with a family member, you can try setting a boundary ahead of time.

“Knowing what it is that you're willing to accept, you can share that with, say your father. Say, ‘Look, I really can't tolerate listening to something like that. If we can agree to not talk about that, then I will come for Thanksgiving’ or whatever it is. But if that's something that you don't think you can do, then I don't know if I can come to Thanksgiving this year,” said Dr. Michael Mei, an assistant professor in psychiatry at UConn Health. 

“That could be a really difficult thing to say to a family member, but sometimes you have to put up a boundary in order to protect a relationship,” Dr. Mei added.

If you are feeling depressed this holiday, don’t isolate yourself. Instead, Dr. Mei recommends you push yourself to get coffee, go for a walk, reach out to someone to connect with them and focus on the positives you do have in your life.

“There's actually a whole body of research that talks about gratitude. What that research shows is, the more you can hold onto things each day that you feel thankful for, the better it is for your physical health and your mental health,” said Dr. Saunders. “If you're always focused on what's the barrier in front of you, then in fact, you don't have things to look forward to.”

So on this Thanksgiving, both therapists recommend you do your best to focus on deepening those connections you have with your loved ones.

“Even though it might not feel so good to be with family sometimes, that sense of community is something that I think is worth preserving,” said Dr. Mei. “What is life about but to connect with other people in a real way?”